Running scared

Tonight, without a doubt, I was hypomanic. Not just bearable hypomanic, but scary hypomanic. To the point that my brother compared me to the roadrunner, and asked if I was going to be okay. I answered that yes I was going to be okay. I thought. Maybe.

Truthfully, I didn't know. I was scared that hypomania was going to progress beyond that to mania, as it has in the past. I was scared that approaching the only support system I have available to me on a Friday night...the hospital...would result in me being admitted again. For a long time. Again. And so I fought and talked out my racing thoughts like a maniac, and struggled until I reached a state where everything finally slowed down a little. And then made a bargain with my brother that if I didn't sleep (again) and things were nuts (again) tomorrow, that I would go to the hospital.

I have been awake for a long time. Watching the dogs sleep, Kodi cuddled up on the pillows, Sophie fast asleep in Marc's chair. Curling up beside Kodi so quietly so as not to wake him, only to get up an hour later, still wide awake. Watching Sophie vacate the chair to take up her favourite place of residence under the bed. Then later, waking her by accidently stepping on her protruding toes, and consoling her back to sleep with pleas of "look I know you are cute, and I love you and everything, but leave me alone and go to sleep". Curling back up beside Kodi, and apologizing and gently patting him back to sleep after being greeted with a huge yawn. Not for lack of trying, insomnia has been my friend for the last week or so. What really needs to happen is for me to sleep, long and deep and restore my brain back to normal and out of it's cyclic behaviour. And if I could avoid the hospital, and have everything fall into place, that would be a very, very good thing. But as much as I'm running scared, I know my limitations, and I won't push it to the extremes, because it's all about wellness....so if it doesn't clear up, I know where I need to be.