The Stories~Part 12 Roller Coaster

Each day for the briefest amount of time as I returned to the safe place, or discovered others, I felt a sense of renewal of strength and serenity. It gently nudged at my broken soul, slowly restoring the damage that had been done. I was still unable to communicate what was occurring inside my mind, and with yet another increase in dosage of medications, I found myself suddenly struck with uncontrollable bursts of energy....both physically and mentally. The pictures in my mind became vibrant and more powerful..I was unable to stop moving...desperately needing to run. But then, I would be overwhelmed in a cascade of pain and despair, lethargy. It was a dangerous game, and nobody knew exactly what was going on, especially me. 

As time passed, I was given more freedom. At first I could go for walks with friends and family but only on hospital grounds. I would pace faster and faster the single hallway, music cranked to tune out my own mind, shifting the worry stone Nicole had brought me back and forth between my fingers, in a neverending continual cycle. As soon as Nicole showed up, I would bolt from the locked door, and race at breakneck speed around and around the hospital, shouting to keep up a conversation with Nicole, who gave up trying to keep pace after a few laps. Inside the hospital, there was nothing for me to do....I simply couldn't stop. And so, I became alert. I began to people watch....taking in each individual patient, their likes and dislikes, their joys, and, mostly....their sorrows. I learned how to make each one feel most comfortable....a listening ear, a stick of gum, a cup of tea. I helped each one in any way that I possibly could. And for it, I managed to tune out the chaos of my own mind. Briefly.

Finally I was given the freedom to walk, on my own, on hospital grounds for 15 minutes. It was amazing. I ran, then walked...and finally I sat, and listened to the wind underneath the canopy. I made sure not to over-run my time, not wanting to lose the privilege.

As the roller coaster within my mind began to run faster and faster, I suddenly felt the need for an outlet. I was allowed one hour off hospital grounds with my father. We gathered art supplies: a sketchbook, pencils, pencil crayons, pastels. In the hospital I threw myself into drawing. Music cranked, sketch book on my lap, rocking slightly, and completely oblivious to my surroundings. Everything within my mind was suddenly spilling from my fingertips, cascading onto the clean white sheets. If I was aware of nurses nearby I would close the book, if they happened to walk past and managed a glimpse, they would recoil slightly at the darkness there.

The roller coaster continued on it's wild ride. It was running faster and faster....Ups and downs, in a sense of desperation...and it was only a matter of time before it derailed and ended in disaster.