3 posts tagged “bipolar”

I haven't written in a while. It is hard when you come to the realization that you have a choice to live or die. It is hard when you realize that you are stubbornly choosing to aid in the second choice. I feel horrid. Stupid. Defeated, angry, and resigned. The last few days have been interesting. I started into a calm transition. A not very good calm transition. Now I spend the moments being very very careful. Watching myself. Trying to rationalize thought processes that are completely irrational....to interrupt and point out the faults. Slowly slowly...creeping back from the edge. I think.  

I am not ok. I haven't been for a very long time. A lot of it is my fault...the vast majority actually. I stopped taking my meds almost a month ago. I don't even know the reason why. My "moods" had become random...and I'd hit mania and depression more frequently. I guess I stopped trying with the meds. I felt like nothing was happening for the better. Obviously I was very wrong. Things have gotten dramatically worse. Tonight was the end of it all. The first time in 5 months that I've felt extremely unsafe. The thought of going inpatient again terrifies me. I know I am nearly there. It didn't take much to set me off tonight. A simple comment. One I knew wasn't meant to be hurtful. Probably the best therapy actually. Truth is, I should get over myself. Or I should care enough about myself to help myself get over it. I don't. This fact alone enough to make me realize just how bad I've let things get.

I'm starting the meds again. Trying to remedy that stupid mistake...fix that failure. Trying to get back some of that reason for being. Trying to stay safe enough to remain out of the hospital. I'm not sure that I can. But I'm going to try. Thats worth something right?

Life is one of those things that is constantly evolving. With that knowledge, it makes sense that diseases would therefore evolve too. I never thought that the symptoms I experience during a manic episode would change. I sort of had a handle on the ones I was experiencing (Okay, well not really, but I was beginning to be able to take them in stride). For the last 2 days I didn't sleep. So when things went really awry, it wasn't all that surprising. But what happened last night, a new symptom, an awful symptom I haven't ever had......I was glad it was night, when the kids and the folks were tucked up calmly and safely in bed. Such a rage I haven't felt in so long. Except that there wasn't a reason for it. In an online support group chatline, one I find extremely helpful, I suddenly snapped....completely. Anger, frustration, Rage. Rage really. My face got hot...I could literally feel it turning red....and suddenly everything was wrong. Next the anger turned towards me, and within that anger, such surprise and fear.....and next though I felt it, saw it, nearly heard it coming... the panic. The gasping, crying, rocking, unable to move sort of panic attack. Kodi's first introduction to the crazy side of his new "mom". He was terrified. I was terrified. A night of fear.