3 posts tagged “depression”

I haven't written in a while. It is hard when you come to the realization that you have a choice to live or die. It is hard when you realize that you are stubbornly choosing to aid in the second choice. I feel horrid. Stupid. Defeated, angry, and resigned. The last few days have been interesting. I started into a calm transition. A not very good calm transition. Now I spend the moments being very very careful. Watching myself. Trying to rationalize thought processes that are completely irrational....to interrupt and point out the faults. Slowly slowly...creeping back from the edge. I think.  

I am not ok. I haven't been for a very long time. A lot of it is my fault...the vast majority actually. I stopped taking my meds almost a month ago. I don't even know the reason why. My "moods" had become random...and I'd hit mania and depression more frequently. I guess I stopped trying with the meds. I felt like nothing was happening for the better. Obviously I was very wrong. Things have gotten dramatically worse. Tonight was the end of it all. The first time in 5 months that I've felt extremely unsafe. The thought of going inpatient again terrifies me. I know I am nearly there. It didn't take much to set me off tonight. A simple comment. One I knew wasn't meant to be hurtful. Probably the best therapy actually. Truth is, I should get over myself. Or I should care enough about myself to help myself get over it. I don't. This fact alone enough to make me realize just how bad I've let things get.

I'm starting the meds again. Trying to remedy that stupid mistake...fix that failure. Trying to get back some of that reason for being. Trying to stay safe enough to remain out of the hospital. I'm not sure that I can. But I'm going to try. Thats worth something right?

Last night I dreamt I couldn't breathe. I was choking....and despite what I tried to do, I couldn't dislodge the mass in my throat. In the waking world, I struggled to shrug off the feelings. Metaphores...analogies....the simple truth is I've let things get too far. Again. I am approaching that inpatient stage.....struggling with every piece of me against the fight. Wanting to give in.

My roomate, concerned....stayed down here tonight under the pretense of not being tired.

She fell asleep in the broken chair with Kodi asleep on her lap. Kodi...the wonderful beautiful creature that deserves better then me.